Lost Moments

Two scenarios keep running through my mind. Two kinds of moments actually, in which something is lost, something I would like to find a way to get back. On the one hand, there are lost moments that feel like opportunities unfulfilled. If only I had said this, if only I had done that. We all have those, don’t we? I want to be the person who does not hold on to these lost moments, circling back around as if I might find a way to actually do something this time, or redo, or undo. Unlike the piles of things that gather dust in the corners of closets and backyard sheds, lost moments will never experience the joy of being picked up and finally put to use. Lost moments that are not released, wait, and remind, niggling and nagging, until they collect enough matter to stand on their own, forming shapes like regret, remorse, a pang of guilt, shame, whatever compunction floats your boat.

I don’t expend too much energy on the darker shadows of guilt and shame - enough, a little, but not too much. But the others, the ones that remind me of the limits constructed of my own fears, they nag at me something awful every now and then. What I wonder is, on that day more than 25 years ago, when I walked out of dance class and saw him standing there, a reminder of what I had longed for most in my high school days – how could things have been different? He was taller, and more intense than I remembered. Would his skin still feel the same? If I had not learned so well to toe the line and bite my tongue, what would I have said, how could things have gone? If I had it to do over again, would I find the courage to reach out and take a chance? Could he in his soccer jersey, and I in my leotard, recapture the opportunity we were destined to lose, and maybe go have coffee instead? Would we want to? I will never know, but I will bother myself plenty about it for a while, think of it as a loss, and look for ways to turn that thought around.

The other lost moments on my mind are more than just errant bits of time and opportunity. They are also lost energy, energy that I want to have back. These moments come from the days that change everything. Not the ones that come as a surprise, but the ones we know are coming, the ones we prepare for – getting thoughts in order, girding our loins (a rather graphic sounding Biblical phrase), spinning dreams of how wonderful it will be, or how awful, or something in between. The wedding, the medical test, the interview, the first day with something new – you know what I mean. We live these things all the time, and expend energy in planning what we will do, and how it might go. What gets my goat, sticks in my craw, whatever other annoying string of words that may come to mind, are the days when the anticipated event fails to happen. So you plan, strategize, worry and dream, extend your focus over a range of possible outcomes, all for naught. Zip. Nothing. Reschedule. Maybe later. No thanks.

All that unfulfilled energy, planning for what turns out to be a big steaming pile of lost moments – that feels like a waste, and I want it back. I have lots to do, and I need all the energy I can get. Last month, when we got ready for the big day, reviewed all the recent successes, evaluated once more the potential for long term negative outcomes, only to have the test scrubbed – yeah, that day – I want that energy back. It’s not like I’m looking for trouble. I’m not out there, with my hand out, looking for drama so that I can feel useful - and I assure you, I am very useful when it comes time for drama. But there is a sense deflation in these lost moments, a lack of satisfaction - all dressed up and no celebration, superhero suit on and no bad guy to fight.

I want a way to recapture the wasted energy, from the lost opportunity moments, and the unfulfilled expectation moments. Let’s call it “personal energy recycling” - a very “green” notion, so it must be good and necessary. When I figure out how to go back in time and gather up all my lost power, I’ll write out the instructions, and share it with others, so we can all benefit. I’ve heard a couple of paths that may lead to the amazing discovery I seek. My quest could lead me to reconsider the very nature of time and energy, but not likely - delving deep is not one of my frequent inclinations. One solution could lie in a simple concept I learned in acting class, right around the time of that ill-fated moment outside the college dance studio – that of living in the here and now. Another answer could be found in the newly discovered secrets of good old positive thinking. In short, you are what you think. Think about good, and you attract good; think about crap, and you get that, too. Of course, one key to making positive thinking really work is trust, and this is where I think I may find some solace. Trusting that the potential for good exists in every moment, and that every moment is as it is meant to be, rich with meaning and intent, is surely the foundation for positive living. I could go on a good bit about any one of these approaches, but will leave that for another time. I’ll give my quest for personal energy recycling a try for a while, see if I can rediscover some of my lost moments, and power I’ve given away, and let you know how it goes.



(Cheryl is the author of Seven Steps to Positive Living, a self-help collection of short and easy meditations for those seeking quiet in the midst of hectic lives. For more information, go to www.cherylfare.com)

Benefit Concert May 23rd

Hello Friends -

I’m writing to let you know about a special event coming up this weekend. There are many wonderful things about the month of May, and one of them is that May is national Brain Tumor Awareness Month. In honor of this event, the Richmond Brain Tumor Support Group is presenting a Benefit Concert. Here’s what you need to know:

What: Benefit Concert celebrating Brain Tumor Awareness Month
When: Saturday, May 23, 3:00-6:00pm
Where: Ashland Coffee & Tea, 101 N. Railroad Avenue, Ashland VA, 23005
Admission: a “Pay as You Can” Donation of $5 or more, at the door, no advance sales.

This show will feature the Susan Greenbaum Band, well known to Richmond audiences, and well loved for “masterful songwriting and performance”. Susan, as many of you know, gave up a successful career at a Fortune 500 company to pursue life as a musician. As many of you may not know, Susan lost an older brother to a brain tumor, so she is eager to see a lot of folks come out and support this worthy cause.

Susan and I met through the Richmond Brain Tumor Support Group. Those who have known me a long time are aware that I set aside a career in professional theatre when my now 15-year-old daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 1999. In between trips back and forth to the hospital for successful treatments, I’ve been developing my skills as a songwriter, and am excited to be opening this benefit concert with my band, The Solid Band - featuring Beth Harvey on piano and Jim Coles on percussion. I’m very lucky to have the opportunity to play with these fine musicians, and share music from my new CD, Springfield.

This benefit concert is presented by and benefiting the Richmond Brain Tumor Support Group (a 501( c) 3 non-profit), an organization that works to provide support for brain tumor survivors and their loved ones, promote awareness for brain tumor issues, and advocate for brain tumor research in Central Virginia. Other local organizations that assist families with brain tumors will take part in the event, and there will be opportunities to support local families as well. In particular, friends of one Ashland family in need have organized a 50/50 raffle to raise money to pay hospital bills for little Charlotte Reynolds, 3 years old, and currently in treatment.

So, ease on into the your holiday weekend! Come on out for a good cause, stay to listen to some great music, and refresh yourself with great food and drink from the new owners at Ashland Coffee & Tea.

Peace!
Cheryl


Cheryl Fare
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Let's Talk About Smoking

In the state of Virginia, a new law banning smoking in public places will go into place some time in December. Without getting into the details, and I rarely get into details on “issues”, it sounds as if over the next several months, restaurants and bars will have a choice to make about how they will address the new smoking ban. I, for one, am looking forward to being able to go out without having to breathe in someone else’s smoke in the process. Now don’t get me wrong here - I am not an anti-smoking-dangers-of-second-hand-smoke crusader – quite the opposite.

I love smoking. I started smoking some time around when I was sixteen. I have quit smoking five or six different times. I have not smoked in nine years. I wouldn’t mind lighting up right now, if it weren’t a supremely stupid move to make. So, why am I looking forward to the smoking ban? Maybe so that I can be spared the envy of watching others enjoy and inhale; maybe so that I can observe others doing things I did for years, such as standing outside in all manner of weather to get their fix of choice; maybe so I can go to the open mic night at the local bar, and be able to sing without feeling like my throat has been scrubbed with Comet – maybe all of the above.

I love smoking because it’s a little bit naughty. Having been raised by a father with a powerful personality and controlling manner, I was well trained to be a “good girl” and try to earn the elusive carrot of paternal approval. I won’t go one step further into that discussion, except to say that this dynamic left me with a never-ending desire to rebel, and be just a little bit naughty. I like to wear black because it makes people wonder, I like men who are less than clean-cut and slightly dangerous, and I like cigarettes because they are a little bit naughty. I have never had any interest in alcohol or anything that might be illegal, but I do likes me some smokes, and “good girls” are not supposed to smoke.

So, let’s talk pros and cons of smoking. The contrary side of the issue goes without saying. For more than the first half of the 20th century, many adults were enticed into smoking by ads claiming the health benefits of tobacco use. My grandmother never went without her after-dinner cigarette, as a way of stimulating the process of digestion and elimination. (Let me just say, snitching a cigarette from her stale stash was an unsavory experience in more ways than one.) But theses days, anyone middle-aged or younger knows that smoking is destructive. Yes, it’s a choice, but nothing short of a reckless and destructive choice for you and all your loved ones. We know that. ‘Nuff said.

Then, there are the benefits of smoking. Aside from the personal benefits noted above, the biggest pro I can recall from my days of lighting up is having a quiet moment on my own to step outside, breathe deeply, and take a break. Oh, how I miss those quiet moments! Without “the pause that refreshes” (ad slogan for Coca-Cola circa 1929, thank you Google), I can get so consumed by my daily activities, that I barely take a moment for a focused breath in an entire day. Now, how many of us could say the same? So, there is something to be said for taking a breather, and lucky for us, we can do that without taking a smoke.

On any normal day where I live, as I drive out to go to some kind of work thing or do errands, it is likely that I will see a particular woman out in front of an older office building down the street from my house. She is out at all times of the day, in all seasons, smartly dressed, coffee mug in one hand, and cigarette in another. My husband has seen her many times as well, and made note, since she is beautiful, tall, long auburn hair, exuding an air of relaxed confidence. I don’t know her, but I could see us being friends, if I could get past being envious of her ever-present smoldering cigarette. I hope that she knows about the dangers of skin cancer, because it looks like she’s been tanning. I wonder if she knows that smoking will give her lots of wrinkles. Most of all, I’m curious – who does she work for? And do they know how much time she spends outside smoking? Must be a nice job.

Quitting smoking is bitch - plain and simple. Nicotine is a most pernicious beast, and does not want to let go, once it has found a likely host. The last time I quit, and it will remain the last time, I managed to do it by replicating the conditions mentioned above. So, I would step outside, (away from the daily grind, and away from my usual smoking place), take deep breaths, stretch, take along a toy of some kind to give my idle hands something to play with, and honor myself with a few quiet moments. Slowly but surely, with a few stops and starts, and some nicotine gum, I was able to let go of my attachment to cigarettes for the last time. And in those times when I find myself yearning for a puff, it is no doubt also a time when I really need to give myself a break, take that “pause that refreshes”, and breathe with intention.

Songwriting Journal - History

I grew up writing songs. Secretly. In my head, in the bath, singing myself to sleep. Quietly, so no one would hear, make snarky comments, tell me I was doing it wrong, or what I should be doing instead. The first fully formed song I recall creating was when I was 11, and had a crush on my best friend’s big brother. It’s a blues song, although I have no idea where or when I may have heard the blues as a child. The only music I remember growing up with, other than Top 40 radio, is soundtracks from Disney movies. I played and played Mary Poppins and Cinderella, until I wore the grooves off the old LP. Even today, I can sing most of Mary Poppins from memory, and know for sure that a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, and shaking hands with a chimney sweep will bring you good luck.

Anyway, back to the blues, and still not sure how I knew anything of blues music. But, the song is still there, in the memory banks, waiting to be brought into the light and made relevant. It’s a pretty decent song actually, complete with the deep moan of the unrequited, and heartfelt declarations of love for a man who, at the time, must have been nothing more than an awkward pimple-faced teen. One day soon, I’ll pull that song out of my pocket, roll it around some, give it some polish, and a chance to breathe the air in the here and now.

The next phase of songwriting was in my late teens and early twenties. College life gave me the chance to meet new people, and gain some exposure to music other than what came out of the car radio. A friend came along who helped me buy my first guitar (still the one I practice and write with today), and the songs started rolling out. I recall writing songs in a variety of dorms and common rooms, pages and pages of songs exploring love of many kinds, searching, heartbreak, yearning, you name it. Most of these songs have been lost along the years - not a great loss, really. A few of the musical progressions live on; one of those has actually made it into a professionally recorded product. Perhaps more will do the same.

In 1982 I started working in theatre, found the collaborative meld of many different art forms to be endlessly fascinating, and followed that path for many years. One thing about theatre - it is all-consuming, there is little room for anything else between the hours of creation and preparation, rehearsal, performance. Things slowed down a bit when my children came along, and more still in January of 1999, when for a reason I had yet to know, I just didn’t want to do theatre any more. I still wanted to communicate with an audience, but in a different way. What I wanted to do was go back to music. So, I started working in that direction, took a guitar class, started playing with melodies and words, found a partner to work with.

I was preparing, or the universe was preparing me, but for something vastly different than what I anticipated. On a Saturday morning in August of 1999, I played my first show as a singer-songwriter. On the following Monday, I found out my daughter had a brain tumor. (Let me just cut to the chase here and say that she is doing well. Its complicated and still challenging, but no complaints here.) Through the subsequent years of challenge and reward, music kept me going. Playing music and writing songs was flexible enough to maintain in between trips to the hospital, and the level of energy needed to guide a family through this sort of thing. On a more personal level, writing songs gave me the emotional and creative release necessary to keep an even keel when things got really tough.

It has taken me 10 years to go from that first show as a singer-songwriter, to where I am now, with my first album of original songs making its way into the world. My progress has been slow, but steady nonetheless. I have learned to keep paper and pencil on hand at all times, on the bed stand, in the car, a stack of index cards tucked into my pocket to catch strings of words as they capture my attention. I have discovered the thrill of taking small moments, spinning them out this way and that to study the strong parts and weak, and pulling them in again into a song. The music composition piece is a bit harder for me, since I really need quiet time for this to happen, and quiet time is hard to come by. Nevertheless, I keep plugging along. Songwriting is a piece of what I do, along with other writing, continued work in the theatre, and most importantly, keeping things going as a wife and mom. From time to time I’ll take a minute to write about the evolution of a particular piece I have written. Perhaps from time to time you will return to read.

Musings on Merlefest 2009

Musings on Merlefest 2009

Greetings, my friends! I have just returned from Merlefest. For readers who are not aware, Merlefest is one of the premiere American roots music festivals, occurring at the end of April every year in Wilkesboro, North Carolina. Like most events of this size and scope, (and I do mean size and scope – Merlefest attendance is in the tens of thousands) it is more than just a music festival – it has a culture, a vibe, a feeling all it’s own, and is a truly mind-opening experience. As I mentioned, Merlefest is a roots music festival, and the list as their mission to present “a high quality diversified American roots based musical experience”. Now, I could quibble with the use of the term “diversified”, since the representation of roots music from continents other than Europe seems slim at best. But, it is not my goal here to pick apart the experience, so I shall let that be. My aim here is to celebrate and share all the wonderful experiences of the past few days. Now, I will share up front that, when attending Merlefest, my first wish is to be able to clone myself 10 times over, so that I could make it to all the sets I want to see. Alas, science has yet to catch up with my desires. The festival runs 4 days. I was able to make it to 2 days this year, and here is what I saw:

Friday

Scythian (www.scythianmusic.com) on the Americana stage: Caught a good chunk of one set from this band of young guys, playing a mixture of tunes with Celtic and eastern European influences. Great energy, cute young guys, lots of fun, what’s not to like?

Songwriting Workshop (with James Nash and Warren Hood from The Waybacks www.waybacks.com ) in Mayes Pit: Here’s one of my favorite things about Merlefest – the workshops. These quiet and intimate sessions offer a real glimpse into the creative process, and with the heat this year, a wonderful indoor respite from the weather. Since one of my favorite things is writing songs, I loved this opportunity to listen to a discussion on method, inspiration, getting over writing blocks, and moving from ideas into fruition.

Meandering and Shopping: Don’t think there’s only music at Merlefest. When you go, plan plenty of time to wander and take in the sights and shops, and plan for all the things you will buy when you win the lottery.

Jim Lauderdale and Friends (www.jimlauderdale.com ) on the Austin stage: Here’s a name I have seen many times on the Merlefest line-up, and I finally made it to one of his sets. No wonder he has so many friends who want to join him on stage. I love Jim’s easy and joyful temperament, and his emphasis on songwriting. If it’s country music you love, this is the guy for you.

Chris Austin Songwriting Contest on the Austin stage: Ah, yes, yet another opportunity to take in a session focused on songwriting. This contest is one of many held every year at Merlefest, giving normal folks the chance to move up to the ranks of those onstage. In fact, many a main-stager was once a contestant in one of these contests. This particular session featured the 3 finalists in each of 4 categories of songs (country, bluegrass, gospel, and “general” – hmmm…..I refer back to the diversity question). The winners in each category are then given a chance to perform at breaks on the main stage, and the runners up get slots at the songwriters’ coffee house session. So, some nicely written songs, and some decisions from the panel of judges that make you wonder, but no discussion of how these decisions were reached, so you are left wondering, and clapping your heart out for the contestants. Go songwriters!

The Duhks (www.duhks.com pronounced “ducks”) on the Hillside stage: This band is nothing short of a powerhouse of eclectic creative energy. Their music mixes all sorts of influences, from Led Zeppelin to French Canadian folk songs. When I saw them last, 2 years ago at Merlefest, they had just replaced their lead singer, and were still struggling to find their feet in new waters. Well, struggle no more! All hesitancy is gone, as lead singer Sarah Dugas has settled into the microphone with grace and style, and the band has developed a firm foundation to support their stellar musical exploration.

Donna the Buffalo (www.donnathebuffalo.com) on the Hillside stage: This band must be the finest dance band in the world for regular people without fancy moves. If you can imagine feeling warm and fuzzy, closing your eyes, and grooving along to fun and positive folk rock tunes for hours, you have imagined a Donna the Buffalo show. Now I will say that sitting and watching is not the best way to take in Donna the Buffalo. Their stage style and talk between songs does not inspire enthusiasm. But close your eyes and tune in your other senses, and you’ve got the makings for a lot of fun.

Find some Food: Merlefest features a huge food tent, with lots of choices at decent prices provided by local charities and organizations. The festival has also added smaller food venders throughout the festival grounds, making it easier to get your snack on and your drink on, not matter where you are when you need it. It is best, however, to avoid the busy times in the food tent, when the crowd can be overwhelming.

Songwriter Coffeehouse in The Lounge: (Can you tell I have an interest in songwriting?) An evening rainstorm and main stage delay for lightning made my choice for Friday evening all the easier. I love the Songwriter Coffeehouse, which alternates short intimate sets from main stage performers, with runners-up from the songwriting competition, and aspiring songwriters who have won a performance slot by entering a lottery. In past years, I have seen up close and personal performances in this venue to make my heart sing. This year was no exception, as I had my first taste of Anne and Pete Sibley – I’ll share more on them later. Unfortunately, following a short set by 2 of the Dixie Beeliners, the stage schedule got a little out of whack, and the momentum was broken, and I decided to opt for more rest over staying out the night in The Lounge.

Saturday

Vocal Workshop in Mayes Pit: The little taste of Anne and Pete Sibley on Friday night was enough to tip the scales for me on Saturday morning, and point me firmly towards the Vocal Workshop. Now, I will say that when I first visited Merlefest, maybe 8 years ago, the Vocal Workshop was nothing more than a line of musicians known for their vocals, each taking a turn leading a song. Luckily, under the firm hand of super-singer John Cowan, this session has become an informative and intriguing exploration of the divine art of singing. (In case I come off as playing favorites, I will disclose here that the gentleman and I have been known to each other as friends for many, many years ;-) you go, Cowboy!) In between fielding audience questions on a variety of vocal concerns and related topics, the panel (Anne and Pete Sibley, Cowan, and Laurelyn and Kari from the band Polecat Creek) treated us all to a few short tunes, and a sing-along of I’ll Fly Away.

John Cowan Band (www.johncowan.com) on the Creekside stage: Ahhh…..where else at Merlefest could one hope to find a Charlie Parker tune than at a JCB set? This band has evolved as the band members have revolved over the last several years, exploring the nuances of each step along the way. This version of JCB adds a full drum kit to the mix, allowing Mr. Cowan to ease up as the rhythmic center of the band, and put more energy into vocals and playful licks on the bass. The musicianship is stellar across the board, the tunes diverse, all forming the backdrop for what the audience wants the most – a big serving of soaring vocals. As expected, The Voice of Newgrass delivers, and the crowd goes wild.

The Greencards (www.thegreencards.com) on the Watson stage: I only caught part of this set, but found what I heard to be compelling in the best sort of way – a neat mixture of powerful and upbeat bluegrassy stuff, with some haunting slow numbers tossed in for good measure. I will look for opportunities to hear a full set from this band in the future.

Tift Merritt (www.tiftmerritt.com) on the Watson stage: Tift Merritt was one of the judges for the songwriting competition, so I was curious to check out her music. A nice mix of folk rock originals ensued, perhaps a little dwarfed by the Watson stage itself. (I have seen this happen before at Merlefest – bands that are accustomed to wedging themselves together on small stages take the opportunity to spread out and try to fill the expanse of the Watson. The result can be a loss of connection in live performance. You just know that when Tift has to run back and forth to talk to band mates between songs, it takes energy away from her performance, especially the vocals.) That said, I enjoyed the songs, and will be happy to listen in again some time.

Anne and Pete Sibley (www.anneandpetesibley.com) in The Lounge: For me, every Merlefest brings some musical discovery that leaves me in awe. This year, once I had a little taste of Anne and Pete Sibley, I scoured the schedule in search of an opportunity to take in a full set. An intimate setting is ideal for this duo, allowing the audience to fully take in the loving give and take of life partners making beautiful music together. Having a romantic heart makes me a sucker for this duo, who recently won the Prairie Home Companion’s Duo Competition. The vocal harmony is sublime, the songwriting achingly engaging, and the overriding sense that this couple is having a wonderful time together just enough to make you wanna cry.

The Kruger Brothers (www.krugerbrothers.com) on the Americana stage: At almost every Merlefest I have attended, I have found myself sitting at one stage, heard a huge audience roar from another stage, and checking the schedule to see who I had missed, found it was The Kruger Brothers. So this time around, I passed up on other great opportunities, and sat myself down on the grass to take in this trio combining European heritage and a passion for American music, with amazing results. Now, I’m a sucker for vocals, so I wish they would sing more, but when they do, the voices are rich and the harmony wonderful. The instrumentals have that wonderful texture that comes from knowing each other well enough to have a firm foundation, and plenty of room to stretch out in any direction. Now here’s where I could just kick myself – I left this set before it was over to check out another session. I won’t even mention the other session, as it was not my favorite. And what happened again? Once again, I heard the crowd roar. And who was it for? ……of course, The Kruger Brothers.

Docabilly – Doc Watson and Friends on the Watson stage: At previous Merlefests, I have spent many hours camped out at the Austin stage, taking in the many languages of the blues. This year, I left my yen for the blues in the capable hands of the patriarch of Merlefest, Doc Watson. Joined by a long string of musical giants, Doc effortlessly guided this delightful session through vintage country, rock, blues, and hillbilly tunes, topped off by a touching tribute to the namesake of the festival, Merle Watson. Good plain fun, all around.

Pat Donohue (www.patdonohue.com) on the Cabin Stage: It’s always a welcome relief at the end of a busy festival day, to settle in at the main stage, and take in the great rotation of talent back and forth between the Watson and the Cabin stages. After years of hearing Garrison Keillor introduce audiences to “Mr. Pat Donohue”, what fun to take in a solo set from a whiz of finger picking guitar. The mixture of Chet Atkins inspired licks, and originals with a playful sense of humor, was a good and informal fun for a big festival audience.

Emmylou Harris ( www.emmylouharris.com) on the Watson stage: When I grow up, I would like to be just like Emmylou Harris. Making beautiful music, carrying herself with confident grace, proudly announcing herself as a grandmother, and wearing her natural hair – Emmylou makes being a grandma truly cool. With a deep catalog of music from which to pull, Emmylou delivered on songs from her most recent release, all the way back to, as she put it, a song that hit the charts when she was “still a brunette”. My favorite Emmylou collection, Red Dirt Girl, with its haunting themes and sound, was well represented, so I was a happy festival camper.

Happy, but tired – not being as young as I used to be, Emmylou was the last full set of my Merlefest 2009. As I slowly made my exit, timed to avoid the crush for the lines to the shuttle buses, I heard a bit of David Bromberg and Angel Band. No one can do the anguished and angry jilted man like David Bromberg. And Sam Bush, a true giant of Americana music, and a fine showman overall….I have seen Sam Bush perform many times, and enjoyed them all. I took in the rest of this set over Merlefest radio, on my drive back to the hotel room, to lay down my weary and well-satisfied head.

Check out festival downloads and information at www.merlefest.org.